Recently, I was sitting with a client in hospital. As so often happens, we began talking about giving birth, becoming a mother and everything that comes with it. At one point, I said that during a birth, not two but three things are actually born.
Your baby, of course. Then the placenta. And then something else: your heart.
I know it is a metaphor, but ever since I said it out loud, it has stayed with me. Sometimes that really is how becoming a mother feels to me. As though your heart is taken out of your body and, from then on, walks around out in the world, completely exposed.
It is beautiful, but also terrifying.
Suddenly, there is this little person you love so much. Sometimes that love feels almost physical. You look at your child simply eating a sandwich while you sip your now-cold coffee, and think: how on earth can I love someone this much?
But that love brings a vulnerability no one can really prepare you for. A heart that is so open can also be hurt. From the moment you become a mother, there is someone in the world to whom absolutely nothing must happen. You would like to keep all pain, sadness and disappointment away from them, while deep down you know you cannot.
I think we talk far too little about that when we talk about the transition to motherhood.
A baby is not the only one being born
During pregnancy, our attention is mainly on the birth of the baby. We learn about contractions, dilation, pushing, positions, breathing and what happens to the placenta afterwards. We buy clothes, prepare a nursery, choose a birth announcement and already think about how we want to raise our child. We try to imagine what life will be like when that baby is finally here.
But something is happening to you, too.
You are becoming a mother.
That does not mean a switch suddenly flips during birth and you are flooded with unconditional love. For some women, that does happen. For others, the love grows slowly. Especially after a difficult or traumatic birth, those early days may look very different from what you hoped or expected.
That does not make you any less of a mother.
When I talk about that heart being born, I mean something else. I mean the realisation that, from now on, you are no longer responsible only for yourself. That there is someone so deeply connected to you that everything that happens to this little person affects you too.
Of course, your heart is still exactly where it belongs. Thankfully, because with all those organs making room for your growing baby during pregnancy, it is already crowded enough in there. And yet it feels as though part of it will now be walking around outside your body.
That open heart
Perhaps that is one of the most beautiful and extraordinary things about motherhood: that immense love and immense vulnerability simply exist side by side.
Your heart is open to more love than you ever thought possible, but that also opens it to fear and sadness. Something that seems completely ordinary to someone else can make you deeply happy, and five minutes later you can be lying awake worrying about your child.
The older your child gets, the clearer it becomes that you can never tuck that heart safely away again.
You can guide your child, protect them where you can, comfort them when needed and try to be a safe place for them. But you cannot prevent them from ever being hurt. At first, it might be their first fall in the playground, when a kiss and a plaster can still work wonders. Later, it might be a friend who suddenly no longer wants to play, an exam that goes nothing like they hoped, or their first heartbreak. However much you sometimes wish you could take it all on yourself, you cannot solve everything or make sure the world is always gentle with your child.
That is part of it, even if we sometimes wish it were different.
So yes, technically two things are born during a birth: a baby and a placenta.
But for me, there are three.
Your baby is born. Your placenta is born. And somewhere in the middle of everything happening in that moment, your heart is born again too.
Perhaps this all sounds a little dramatic. But really, think about it: from that moment on, there is someone walking around carrying a piece of your heart. Someone who will fall, grow, make mistakes, fall in love, feel sad, drive you completely mad now and then and, hopefully, experience plenty of wonderful things.
And somehow, through everything that little person experiences, a mother’s heart feels along with them.
Well, that is how it feels to me, anyway.
Prepare for your baby’s birth, and for your own birth as a mother
Birth is about contractions, dilation and everything that happens during labour, whether in hospital or at home. But it is also about you, becoming a mother and everything that comes with it.
I make space for that in my doula support. We discuss the practical side of birth, but also the questions, doubts and thoughts that arise on the way to motherhood.
Curious about how I can support you and your birth partner? Take a look at my doula support or feel free to get in touch, without any obligation.